Dominance and The Inner Critic – ONLINE!!

tmp-NEW-020114-9zqYq95O5rVBbwHADominance and the Inner Critic is one of our most sought after classes. It addresses many of the problems and challenges faced by both New and Seasoned Dominants and Masters alike.

Dominance and the Inner Critic :

We all have that voice inside, the one that can take anything about ourselves or something that we did or something we plan to do and transform it into something terribly wrong or bad. That inner dialogue that shows up just as we are about to embark on a new project or challenge. We all have an inner voice that speaks to us consciously and unconsciously all the time. When our inner voice becomes toxic, it can have a crippling effect on Dominance, ultimately impairing the strength and vitality of M/s or Dom/sub relationships.

You aren’t your thoughts.

You aren’t your feelings.

You ARE on the other hand what you believe.

Dominance and the Inner Critic has been created to help you believe differently about yourself and begin creating the life you want, today.softwareboxright (9)

What have you been holding back? What have you been waiting for? What are the words that you haven’t spoken to her, to him – that you’ve held close and silent, that you’ve kept prisoner, locked in a safe in the shuttered and locked rooms of your heart that would change everything, if you decided to live for the next hour, or the next day instead of waiting?

In Dominance and the Inner Critic you will find out;

· Where the Critic comes from.

· What is the true purpose of the Inner Critic?

· How you can stop the Critic from sucking the life out of your Dominance and Mastery?

· How to believe differently about your life and your purpose.

Learn how to use your Inner Critic as an energizing force instead of something that drains you of your energy, your enthusiasm and your intensity. (FOR DOMINANTS AND MASTERS ONLY)

Includes 5 videos and worksheets PLUS downloadable MP3’s!!!! $47

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Ask slave namaste- Your Wedding?

“I was talking to Master the other day about your livejournal entry about your M/s wedding vows with Master Obsidian. I remember reading it forever ago, but the livejournal account is not permitting me to access it now for some reason. Would it be possible to link or get a copy of the writing so that i could show it to Him please?”

Greetings lovely!

This is a question I get asked about quite a bit. Our M/s Wedding seems to be very inspiring to many and we’re so thankful for that. I’ve changed the settings on my LJ in the last year and moved many writings over to this site instead (as well as creating lock members only content). The wedding entry can be found here. Enjoy!!

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – Masochistic Mojo back?

Q: Not too long ago I ended my relationship with my Dominant. While making that decision had been  emotionally devastating for me,  I know without a doubt that it was the right decision for me. I’m also poly and  have a Daddy. While I was collared, I did not do any sort of play with him. Now we would like to start exploring. The problem, however, is that  I have lost any and all desire for impact play of any kind. And that really upsets me because it was something I used to love. I thought at first that I just needed some time, and that my desire for play would start to come back. But, instead of getting better, my aversion to impact play is getting worse to the point that I don’t even want to see it or be around it. And, I’ve noticed that my pain tolerance is getting worse and not better.  I’ve been told that I need to heal and that in time the desire for impact play will return, but I’ve also had some  tell me that I need to get back up on the horse, so to speak, and work through the fear and discomfort.

 I just don’t know which way to go. Any advice? ~ s. in DC

A: Picture a series of boxcars on a train track – one is labeled ‘desire to be hurt’ and the others are labeled ‘dominance’, ‘relationship’, ‘love’, ‘submission’ – for some of us – our trains can run quite happily with just the ‘desire for pain’ car present – that desire to feel pain or eroticize the pain response is both fuel for the journey and the REASON for the journey simultaneously. We can enjoy sceneing with different people for example, because our pleasure response is embedded within our experience, and isn’t necessarily part of a relationship with the person holding the handle of the paddle, whip or flogger.  For others, the ‘erotic pain’ car needs to be joined with one or more of the others in order for the train to move in a productive direction.  For example Pain + Relationship + Dominance = Pleasure. A person that needs this arrangement will enjoy being Dominated and the experience of pain, but may not have the slightest enjoyment from experiencing pain for its own sake. What about people that dont have a strong erotic response to pain at all – can they still enjoy BDSM?  We believe that even if the end result isn’t pleasurable in an erotic sense, the experience of surrender can be a wonderful one for the recipient – for example if the person on the receiving end of the sensation doesnt typically eroticise pain, but considers the experience of submitting to the Dominant will of another as a place of deep surrender – their train may be organized as Dominance+Pain+Surrender = Fulfillment.

It sounds like your ‘train’ cars have been rearranged somewhat by your previous relationships – in your current relationship you seem to be receiving a lot of support and nurturing, but you mentioned that spanking, impact play and pain haven’t typically been associated with that relationship – as a result the difficulty you are experiencing is understandable. Because you have had such a deep and lengthy relationship with impact play and pain, the notion that you may need to ‘start over’ with this current relationship may feel counter intuitive.  However our sense is that the experiences you had with impact play and with pain were very closely aligned with the dynamic connection in the previous relationship.

If you are to experience impact play as a positive there are two very different (in fact some might say opposite) processes that need attending to. One is disconnecting impact play as a negative. Often our brains will form connections without our conscious knowing it. In the scene we tend to think that “negative” connections only come through being abused or traumatized. In truth we’re making connections between things – both positive and negative all the time. You want to begin to form connections that add impact play back to pleasure. Things like beginning with some very light impact play once you’re in a state of heightened sexual arousal. Using an implement that was not used on you in your previous relationship. Changing the location, position, and circumstances under which it is used.These are all external things. Internally working on letting go of the disappointment, pain, and anger caused by the end of that previous relationship can also help to heal the riff between these parts of yourself.

The second is to work on the type of connection you had when you found impact play good. What was going on? Were you being actively Dominated in ways you found pleasurable? Did you feel a sense of submission and/or surrender within yourself – in addition to a feeling of trust towards your Partner?  Working on the formation of new mental pathways and as a result new expectations based upon the relationship you have right now, instead of the relationship you had in the past can breathe new life into you experience.  You may find that there are certain things that are not easily transferable out side of certain types of Power exchange. If you know you’ve done the internal self work and the external attempts at creating new experiences and you’re STILL not connecting – consider that your need for this one type of play may have changed and that too is OKAY. We learn and grow in our journey in this Lifestyle and part of that is accepting not only who we are- but who we are becoming.

In Leather,

Master Obsidian and slave namaste

 

Have a question you’d like for Master Obsidian and slave namaste to answer? Ask it here! – All questions are made anonymous unless you request that we keep you information intact.

 

 

Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – Mastery Switch

Q: I have been in a M/s relationship for a few months. Recently, My Master and I have had some communication issues. He thinks that to be a Master, he has to be sadistic and “on 24/7”. I have tried to explain to him that being a Master is a mindset and it isn’t an on/off switch. He thinks he is not a good Master. Do you have any suggestions on how I can talk to him?

 

A: As we read this question the following quote came to mind:

To take the master’s journey, you have to practice diligently, striving to hone your skills, to attain new levels of competence. But while doing so–and this is the inexorable–fact of the journey–you also have to be willing to spend most of your time on a plateau, to keep practicing even when you seem to be getting nowhere. – George Leonard

Mastery can be an exciting and terrifying word – it is a heady, almost intoxicating experience when one realizes that another person is willing to give themselves over to you in totality. At some point the thought will arise – “what am I supposed to do with this person??” At the root, we want to do not only a ‘good job’ in our Mastery, we want to be the Best Master In the Universe.  This is a paradox – it is both an impossibility and the most wonderful opportunity imaginable at the same time.  It is impossible to do perfectly – your acceptance and desire for our Mastery, while pleasurable and fantastic, did not automatically imbue us with the power-ups of Invincibility, Infallibility and Omniscience.  It is an act of trust – and that makes it the wonderful opportunity.  We learn by doing – and by making mistakes as well.  Mastery is about learning, about growth – about holding oneself to  the ideal that doing one’s best and expecting the best of the person in our charge is a worthwhile pursuit. But it is a pursuit – we will constantly grow and develop throughout the duration of our relationship.  Masters need to avail themselves of the thoughts and philosophies of others of like mind in the relentless pursuit of bringing excellence to their own lives.  At the same time we need to temper our enthusiasm with the very real need to be gentle with ourselves while we learn and grow. Of the two, the second is by far the most difficult and the area that most Masters tend to neglect the most.  Finally, the Master must recognize that the needle of their internal compass must always seek the true North of personal fulfillment and internal actualization.  By this we mean that the pursuit of Mastery must satisfy something inside the Master, must bring a sense of personal pleasure, fulfillment or satisfy an internal desire.

All of this is outside of the realm of your control as the slave. So what CAN you do? Communicate, communicate, communicate! Communicate with your Master your need for His expression of Mastery whatever that looks like – then ask questions about what expressions of Mastery feel good. Insert other terms beyond “Mastery” – using other words can help us think of things differently – Try direction, guidance, vision, mission etc; to put terms around the ideas your seeking to convey. Ask your Owner what “must do’s” He feels like He has to perform. Sometimes simply discussing these can illuminate the ways that we are allowing our own expectations to stand in the way (for instance Sadism is NOT a necessary facet of Mastery. There are many Masters who are not sadistic).  This may sound too simple – but also consider doing some research on what the term “Master” means in a mainstream context. Words are containers for meaning. Sometimes we can have tons of “add-ons” that we’ve gleaned from the community as “This is what I MUST do” only to find out they mean comparatively little as far as the definition of such things. Ultimately we each get involved in this seeking pleasure and fulfillment – coming back to those feelings in this exploration is a good litmus test for making sure we’re aligned.

In Leather,

Master Obsidian and slave namaste

Have a question you’d like for Master Obsidian and slave namaste to answer? Ask it here! – All questions are made anonymous unless you request that we keep your information intact.

Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – dominant Submissive?

Q: How does one train a submissive with a dominant personality?

 

A: Within this context- it is our belief that having a dominant personality or submissive personality does not intrinsically create resistance to training. Say we have two people that are different in a lot of ways,  but one has a submissive personality and the other has a dominant personality.  Fundamentally however, they are identical in both their willingness to surrender their will to the will of another and in the exercise of obedience to the directives of another person.  Moreover, they are both fulfilled on a deep level by the action of being subject to the will of another.  My prediction is that both will be excellent slaves. Obedience is different than orientation – at the root of it, training a submissive with a dominant personality is no different than training someone with a submissive personality.

To use another example – if the same two people were in a program to become licensed electricians, their ability to do the work of an excellent electrician would actually be in direct proportion to their willingness and ability to absorb the information and to put that information into practice in a knowledgeable and practical way.  The only way basic personality would enter into the picture would be if one or the other person was basically unwilling to do the work, which would have an adverse impact on their ultimate ability to be licensed.  In this example both people would be terrible electricians, irrespective of the personalities they brought with them into the classroom. It should be said here that dominance and submission as personality types should not negatively inform on submission as a relationship orientation – provided the submissive understands that a “dominant personality” is no excuse for disrespect, defiance, or disobedience. To use yet another example- even the most Dominant of individuals knows to say “yes Sir, No Sir” when pulled over by a police officer – normally in a humble and docile manner. All of which is to say that we all as adults have an intrinsic awareness that there are times when it is appropriate to express certain personality traits, and there are times when it is NOT appropriate. Let the submissive know those appropriate and inappropriate times in your dynamic and that will hopefully make the training a bit easier.

In Leather,

Master Obsidian and slave namaste

Have a question you’d like for Master Obsidian and slave namaste to answer? Ask it here! – All questions are made anonymous unless you request that we keep you information intact.

 

 

Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – Damaging Kink?

Q: My deepest kink is very strong and feels like it wants to take over my life. However, I am afraid that it would damage the other facets of my person. It plays deeply needing to feel “good enough” in daily life and the opposite in my kink. How do I resolve this type of issue? How do I look at myself and not feel that I am damaged?

 

A: Without knowing what your kink is, and just from reading your post – it seems like it might be related to humiliation or degradation of some variety. First let’s create a shared language of understanding. We do not consider sexual orientation (Lesbian. Gay, Trans etc;) or Relationship orientation (Master, Dominant, submissive, slave etc;) as kinks. We define kinks as those things we enjoy doing  that inform on our sexual expression and experience. Having definitions out of the way – we can look at kinks as facets of our Shadow seeking expression,  facets of our Divinity (or Demons even) that want to show up or just kinky ish we like to do. Regardless of how we see it – the Self Acceptance portion IS indeed the biggest thing. By learning to “play” with those areas we consider dark, damaged, broken, and even negative – we are offered an opportunity to explore the parts of us that are hidden and to bring those things into Love. We learn self acceptance by the act of accepting those very parts of us that feel so challenging to accept. We learn to see our own Divinity by Honoring those facets of our make up that we have been taught are less than Divine. We often say that when love increases, judgement decreases. The parts of ourselves that we don’t consider worthy of love we sit in judgement of and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our lack of loving creates turmoil.

Feeling a strong yearning to express your kink is not a problem – unless it negatively impacts your life (causing you to behave compulsively and in ways that are dangerous and nonconsensual).  You don’t have to worry about this taking OVER you, because this is You (or a part of you anyway). If you have not begun exploring this facet of yourself – you may want to find someone trust worthy and take it for a test drive. See how you feel during and after (remember drop can take up to 72 hours to show up). Learn to celebrate that part of yourself!  Even if the exercise of that deepest kink doesn’t feel good physically or even emotionally, there is a part of us that derives pleasure from the experience of exploring that side of ourselves. Also realize that the ability to not only acknowledge our Shadow but to embrace it is a HUGE act of strength. As opposed to seeing yourself as damaged- recognize that you’re actually doing some of the most profound of healing work – that which is the healing of our relationship with Self.  Creative tension is a part of life – in the totality of what it means to be you – you come face to face with your own magnificence.

In Leather,

~Master Obsidian and slave namaste

Have a question you’d like for Master Obsidian and slave namaste to answer? Ask it here! All questions are made anonymous unless you request that we keep you information intact.

Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – Cancer Resources?

Q: Do you know of any lifestyle community resources to help out a community member when they are going thru a financial hardship due to cancer?

Answer: We truly wish we could provide resources – unfortunately we are unaware of any Cancer specific Charities within the Leather Community. If any of our amazing and resourceful readers know of any – please provide contact information below!

Have a question you’d like for Master Obsidian and slave namaste to answer? Ask it here! All questions are made anonymous unless you request that we keep you information intact.