Judgment and Power Exchange

This is a full body of work I’m doing – but I wanted to write this here – predominantly because Judgement is such a huge issue. And mostly because most of us just throw our hands in the air and say “Well everyone Judges!!” even though we know inside we shouldn’t, it feels like something we’re helpless to fix.

It feels like something that makes you or me a bad person.

Which is how most things on judging handle it. In judging your judgement.

Seems a bit circular don’t you think?

I’m not here to judge your judging. I’m here to offer an alternative. One that I hope will aid in the building and sustaining of your dynamic.

Practicing judgement can be one of the most dangerous and deadly actions we can do to relationships.

Why?

When we judge ourselves- we cease to accept ourselves. Acceptance is more important to mental and emotional health than self esteem.  Acceptance is the most precious gift you can give to your precious self. And yet so often we judge our most authentic expressions of self. The facets of ourselves that do not go along with the status quo. Those parts that are the minority and therefore more marginalized. Those parts that make us profoundly unique – we judge. .

When we judge our Masters we cease to accept Them. We deny them Autonomy and Agency. We become condescending and paternalistic, or judge and jury usually without many facts. We consider ourselves wise, cautious,  or  “taking a stand” as we judge those who we have entrusted with Authority and Power over us.

Here’s the thing. We don’t HAVE to judge. Not ourselves. Not our Masters.

But first a story. A few months back Master and I were hosting an event for a group of people in a subculture that we are not a part of. We had put in place a “do not” that from our perspective made good sense and from the perspective of this group – would limit their expression and adversely impact their fun. One of the leaders contacted me and said “Instead of a no – perhaps you can ask how this can happen”  – This made me stop and think. I had made a judgement, based upon my information and instead of staying curious, asking more questions,  and understanding there may be more to this than I realized – I said no.

I ASSUMED instead of asking.

How does this apply to Power Exchange dynamics?

When we stop asking questions – we start killing our dynamic.

When Judging increases – Love decreases. 

Even if your Power exchange dynamic does not include being “in love” – the love that is needful for the dynamic to exist and fulfill – love of the dynamic, love of your identity in it etc; whatever type of love is there- it decreases under the judgement.

Many of us wonder what to do in place of judging – after all you’re not an automaton and you experience things. If you’re not going to judge what can you do?

Not judging do not mean NOT SEEING.

We have other options and specifically as a slave interacting with her Master – these other options become extremely important.

  • Observe – An observation is a statement of fact, of what is so. An observation uses neutral language to avoid the pejorative, and to refrain giving it any meaning. It says nothing about whether you and/or your action are effective or ineffective; good or bad; right or wrong.
  • Assess – An assessment goes further. It does assess whether your action is effective, or ineffective, in reaching the desired goal. Yet an assessment also refrains from moral judgement. It also avoids good or bad, right and wrong.
  • Judge – A judgment goes on to add meaning; good or bad, right or wrong. Yet different things have different meanings for different people.

As you can see above- we have two other options – two important options that actually build the dynamic instead of tearing it down. You can  observe and you can assess. Both of these put you and your Owner on the same team, whereas judgement places your Owner UNDER your judgement and places you OVER Him/Her as the morality,good,bad police.

This change done repeatedly eventually erodes at the Power Exchange Dynamic.

How do we get out of Judgement? Curiosity and Appreciation. 

Curiosity says I’m interested in you. It provides space around  the issue – this interjection of space allows for more than simple right and wrong. It allows for the dynamic expression of who the Master is.  Curiosity is the door to Acceptance.

Appreciation- Appreciation is about expressing Value to your Owner for who He/She is and what He/She does. This keeps your from going too far on the Judgement train where you end up making value judgements to the negative. It very difficult to Judge and appreciate – although you can observe and assess and still appreciate.

There is a lot to this and this is by no means exhaustive. It’s a just snippet from something I’m working on.

 

 

Of sexual orientation, being feminine, and a Leather slave

I writing about this because it’s been something I’ve had some thoughts around for a good long while now. I make no claims that these things are well organized – in fact they may not be – but they are a reflection of the connective ways that my mind works and some troubling trends I’m noticing in our Beloved Confederacy.

Before I get too far afield here- and get potentially kicked in the face by all the knee jerky responses – I realize that some people come into this and simply have never really had an opportunity to develop the self acceptance that will allow for the expression of their core sexual identity and or orientation. For these people this is where they can truly be who they are.  I’m not speaking about those people.

 

When I first came into the Lifestyle I came in through the “branch” of BDSM – not Leather. Coming through this branch I felt very comfortable being feminine and even saw that it was appreciated and embraced. i met many other feminine slaves who loved being women, sensual and feminine.

 

When I began to identify as Leather – one of the first things I noticed was that in the spheres that I had closest access too – I didn’t see many women like me. I didn’t meet many women who were predominantly hetero-sexual (or flexible) who identified as Leather, slave and as Feminine. In fact in recent years I’ve noticed a somewhat troubling trend in that I observe women coming into leather as feminine and gradually over time becoming bois and asexual – at least in their projected persona.

Something else that I’ve noticed is Het men and women who have been in the lifestyle for long periods of time suddenly changing their sexual orientation within typically 1-2 years of identifying as Leather.  I have a few ideas concerning why this is occurring outside of the reason above.

  1. One reason this may occur is because “true” Leather has been subtly defined by some as Gay Leather – many people who are heterosexual see the best way to be leather, the ONLY “real” way to be leather of any worth is to be GLBT.
  2. Others feel that the best way to be an ally to their GLBT brothers and sisters is beginning to identify as GLBT.  (Although even being bi is no longer enough for women. Bi sexual women are feeling more and more the push to orient as queer as being the more PC thing to do to “reject the oppression of the gender binary” )

While I’m speaking in generalities here – I know that there are more than a few who have found themselves in those groups.

But I want to speak more specifically to being a feminine Leather woman.  Specifically a Leather slave who is also a woman. A very feminine woman. And while I suppose that being a het oriented feminine Leather slave is a bit of a niche- it’s one that I see a number of women walking into and a number of bois and/or de-feminized women walking out of.

I’m sure at this point some will point to Leather girls- and say “what about the Leather girls, they’re feminine” to which I would say – what does it mean when the only option for being feminine, s-type and Leather is to be a girl? All Leather women who are s-types aren’t girls. When we pretend as if they all “could” be, or it’s all the same thing – we dilute and diminish the potency and actualization of that identity.

 

There are traits that are part of being a feminine slave. The way I walk, the way I dress, the facets and aspect of my being that are a delight and of value to my Owner. The places in my self that I cultivate. These all have to do with my being feminine.

I have no desire to diminish or deny these things. Nor do I believe that being Leather requires such.

 

My accentuating and celebrating these facets of who I am is in no way to diminish those who are not as I am. I celebrate any and everyone that has found the joy of self acceptance regardless of what it looks like. This is frankly not about anyone else- it’s about my ability to self express what is true and reflective of me.

 

I have spoken to many feminine slaves who do not identify as Leather – not because they do not feel an affinity for it- but because they do not want to have to masculinize or asexualize themselves. Usually they feel that to even ask the question would cause them  public ridicule.  While I am not the ONLY feminine Leather (mostly het) slave- I will say that we are becoming a rare breed. More and more I see hetero female slaves gaining their Leather “wings” by denouncing their being feminine.

 

I want to encourage those women that you can be Feminine and be Leather. They are NOT mutually exclusive. Being a Feminine Leather slave is a valid identity.

Self Identity is the most important thing. For me that means my identity is about my understanding of and authenticity to my SELF – it’s not about being worried about how others perceive me, accept me, or how they decide I should be.

Sometimes I think that we need to be careful regardless of how we orient and what identity we choose- that we are choosing our identity and orientation based upon our fulfillment and our joy and pleasure- not our pain and fear of non-acceptance.

For instance:

There is a difference between being understated when I go into a Gay Leather Bar as a point of respect and consideration – and detaching myself from my femininity within my Leather identity so that I can be considered “real” by others.

There is a difference in feeling like being a boi, girl, poodle etc; is a reflection of my most authentic self – and choosing those identities because they give me a place to hide my insecurities and self rejection. Am I being true to myself by masculinizing my appearance or am I perhaps coving up my lack of body acceptance with clothing that allows me to hide? Only each person can truly know.

I suppose ultimately the questions we all have to ask are:  Am I using my involvement in this lifestyle as a crutch for all of the myriad of pain, dysfunction and  self loathing I feel – or is this truly the place where I am able to be MOST me.

Is this where I show myself truly or is this the most ideal of masquerades where I’m able to constantly change masks.

 

Food for thought.

 

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

Posted with Permission and Direction of Master Obsidian