I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
— Anais Nin
Modern women have fought for and won what women prior to the 1950’s never had before. The female presence is seen in the boardroom, in the military, in institutions of higher learning. We get equal pay, equal political rights and control over reproduction…so why are so many of us more stressed and less fulfilled than ever before?
I submit to you dear readers, that perhaps in the process of fighting for what we did not have, we have abandoned and lost what we had. We have lost the feminine mystique. In my desire to embrace the feminine mystique I sought to recall a knowledge, a secret if you will, that seemed to be lost. When I have looked at relationships that last and are truly happy, when I have met women who have that “inner glow” and seem to revel in being women, when I read The Christian Bible, The Jewish TaNaKh, the Muslim Quran, the Tao or The Kama Sutra, I have come away with certain truths that resonate for me, certain things that, though not popular, seemed to work. It is in my embracing of these truths and actually living them I have found that centeredness which seems so elusive to modern women. Today I’d like to share some truths that have been very beneficial to me and I believe had made me MORE of a woman and more in tune with my femininity.
Women do not need to compete with Men, to Be as Men are.
It is within the scope of our differences that we are made one. It is through the Union of our two equal but opposite energies that Wholeness is created. A unit composed of only one energy type will eventually destroy itself. However in the wholeness that comes from having BOTH types of energy you can find your sense of self expressed and understood most poignantly. I am not a man. I’ve no desire to be a man, to look like or conduct myself as a man. Furthermore, I have no need to compete with any man…more or less with my Master. To compete suggests wanting to occupy the Space He occupies, if I’m in the Space that is His, where will He be? And who will be in the space I have abandoned?
His strength requires my gentleness and softness.
Often as women we desire for Men to be strong, however we might want to consider that the strength of a Man will require the gentle softness of a woman. I have noticed I feel most loved and cherished by Master when I am soft and gentle. This is not to say it is always easy. At times my initial inclination was to respond to hurt or fear by becoming cold and distant. Master would not allow me to do this. He worked with me by not allowing my defenses. I found myself responding to Him in softness, and I found Him handling me differently. His strength REQUIRES me to be soft. I can not respond differently and expect a good outcome. If I respond to His strength with hardness like stones, we cut against each other and eventually one of us will break. Because I am the weaker, it will be me.
His Leadership requires my yielding.
I have always wanted a Man who would lead. Most women I know say they want this as well. However, the truth is often that we want a man who will lead the way we would lead. In reality, if I want Him to lead I need to be willing to follow, to yield. It seems an interesting phenomenon that women want a Leader and yet will become angry if a man does not do their bidding, and then if He DOES, most women will hold the man in contempt for doing so.
I read a quote some years ago by Marlene Dietrich which speaks to this: “To be completely woman you need a Master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it’s no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.”
When I yield to Master’s leading by being encouraging and supportive I am laying the foundation for us to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. I am opening myself and providing fertile ground for intimacy and bonding, rather than being a chore and sufferance. Yeilding brings a state of being that provides for my contentment as well. A contented woman is more attractive and lovely to her Master, and has a greater sense of self.
His desire and passion requires my reckless abandon.
This is a difficult one. Most women are raised and taught that to be a lady and a woman of worth means displaying very little sexual desire. When we enter into a relationship we then maintain this view and snuff out our Master’s desire. This applies to women out of the scene and often to women who embrace submission as well. Giving ourselves over to the storms of passion our Master’s ignite within us, without concern for propriety or demeanor can be a scary prospect. However, if I want Master to display and unleash passion on me, I must overcome these old tapes and give myself over to the fires He fuels. Rather than perfectly coifed and demure, when I am in His bed He desires to see my hair mussed by passion, lips bruised from kissing, my cheeks streaked with tears from crying. He’d rather hear my voice husky and broken rather than cool and controlled. Restraint in the bedroom is not a virtue.
His Dominance requires my submission.
If I would have Him be Dominant I must submit. This is the total crux of the matter in living a life of submission. To prefer His will over my own. To relinquish my way for His. This is the price of fulfillment. That I would embrace His masculinity, His strength His power and meet it with my submission, my weakness and vulnerability. That I would feel my femaleness to my core without the brittle mantle of control so many of my sisters seem to need to carry. We are told that fulfillment is found in control. What if it isn’t? What if the road to peace and joy in our relationships is not pulling, but yielding? No leading but following? Not standing but submitting?