Ask Master Obsidian and slave namaste – Damaging Kink?

Q: My deepest kink is very strong and feels like it wants to take over my life. However, I am afraid that it would damage the other facets of my person. It plays deeply needing to feel “good enough” in daily life and the opposite in my kink. How do I resolve this type of issue? How do I look at myself and not feel that I am damaged?


A: Without knowing what your kink is, and just from reading your post – it seems like it might be related to humiliation or degradation of some variety. First let’s create a shared language of understanding. We do not consider sexual orientation (Lesbian. Gay, Trans etc;) or Relationship orientation (Master, Dominant, submissive, slave etc;) as kinks. We define kinks as those things we enjoy doing  that inform on our sexual expression and experience. Having definitions out of the way – we can look at kinks as facets of our Shadow seeking expression,  facets of our Divinity (or Demons even) that want to show up or just kinky ish we like to do. Regardless of how we see it – the Self Acceptance portion IS indeed the biggest thing. By learning to “play” with those areas we consider dark, damaged, broken, and even negative – we are offered an opportunity to explore the parts of us that are hidden and to bring those things into Love. We learn self acceptance by the act of accepting those very parts of us that feel so challenging to accept. We learn to see our own Divinity by Honoring those facets of our make up that we have been taught are less than Divine. We often say that when love increases, judgement decreases. The parts of ourselves that we don’t consider worthy of love we sit in judgement of and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our lack of loving creates turmoil.

Feeling a strong yearning to express your kink is not a problem – unless it negatively impacts your life (causing you to behave compulsively and in ways that are dangerous and nonconsensual).  You don’t have to worry about this taking OVER you, because this is You (or a part of you anyway). If you have not begun exploring this facet of yourself – you may want to find someone trust worthy and take it for a test drive. See how you feel during and after (remember drop can take up to 72 hours to show up). Learn to celebrate that part of yourself!  Even if the exercise of that deepest kink doesn’t feel good physically or even emotionally, there is a part of us that derives pleasure from the experience of exploring that side of ourselves. Also realize that the ability to not only acknowledge our Shadow but to embrace it is a HUGE act of strength. As opposed to seeing yourself as damaged- recognize that you’re actually doing some of the most profound of healing work – that which is the healing of our relationship with Self.  Creative tension is a part of life – in the totality of what it means to be you – you come face to face with your own magnificence.

In Leather,

~Master Obsidian and slave namaste

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