Attention Counts – pt. 1

As I was cleaning out my email account I came across a topic that Master and I studied about 6 or 7 years ago.

Civility.

I had begun writing a post to use as a series of topics for a Local Leadership group we were running at the time. Interestingly we closed the group due to incivility – and yet these beautiful tools still apply.

When I looked at them I saw them as incredibly apropos not only to governments and social groups but also RELATIONSHIPS including the Power Exchange variety.

My hope is that I’ll be able to post my musings and insights on how to apply each of the 25 Rules of Civil Conduct taken from P.M. Fornis Work “Choosing Civility” (It’s worth every cent. Buy it. Go ahead I’ll wait)

So the First Principle is:

 Pay Attention

kitten attention

I can think of no more important tool for a slave to have than the ability to Pay Attention to his/her Owner.

The principle form that the work of love takes- is attention ~M. Scott Peck

Regardless of if you consider romantic love to be a part of your M/s dynamic or not- I don’t think any of us would deny that slavery itself is a work of love. This may be spiritual love, transcendent love, love of ones place or position, love of service or surrender, love of feeling the force of another’s will over your own.

This type of love is one that is not often understood by many. Those who are fed by autonomy do not often understand the symbiotic nature of this dynamic.

And that symbiosis is why it requires us to pay attention.

In the early days of the dynamic the Masters Will is like a strong spice that you’re not accustomed to. It’s everywhere and often easily identified. It pushes you outside your comfort zone. It demands from you more than you fantasized about.  During this stage paying attention is often the height of your obedience . You can’t intuit or get it perfect because you’re learning. Often the slaves attention is focused- but far more on themselves and their ability to be a “good slave” than on the Master. This is an easy mistake to make and will often lead to far more pain and suffering than is necessary.  Because of this focus on self and the learning curve its easy to feel like failure is innately part of enslavement.  It’s not dear heart. Gently turn your attention away from you – and towards your Owner. Allow His/Her will to be you compass, your axel, your touchpoint.  Devote your attention in Their direction. It makes all the difference.

In the years of 5+ (this may take longer if you don’t live together, or depending on your Masters style of Mastery) you have most likely internalized the Masters Will – this is where paying attention is something you have to bring up and out. It is far too easy to become complacent. The Master speaks and the slave obeys slowly. Or the slave obeys automatically – but without attention. The word in this time is present. Your ability to pay attention via the ability to be fully present in the moment to the Masters voice, mannerisms, movement, breath. To maintain that tension and cultivate it is what renews the passion and sustains your devotion. Yes I know how to make the coffee correctly- but can I do it not just technically perfect- but with devoted presence. (I promise that cup of coffee tastes better) – At this point you’re going for nuance. A person with a refined palette can taste the differences between Himalayan sea salt, and fleur de sel, but it requires paying attention. This is how refinement is created.

Questions for consideration and cultivation:

  • How much attention can I pay today?
  • What am I spending my Masters resources on in the form of giving it my attention?
  • Where was I MOST present today?
  • Where was I least present?
  • How long is my attention span (How long can Master or someone else speak before I start thinking of other things, or forming a response)?
  • When I paid attention what did I notice that I didn’t notice before?

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave Namaste

Things to understand if you’re friends with a slave

I live my life in surrender.

That may sounds obvious- but actually sometimes it occurs to me that it may not be as understood in practical application as it is in theory.

Yesterday a very close friend and I had a call scheduled. For both of us this is a rare treat.

I waited and waited for her call. No call.

An hour later she sent me a response to my message stating that her Master had called her away.

I TOTALLY understood that – and we had a good laugh about the need to be flexible when you are a slave or are friends with a person who is enslaved.

I personally enjoyed the  brief discussion and the opportunity to experience that because all too often I have been on the receiving end of another response when I’ve had plans that I’ve made altered because of Master’s will.

Even with other slaves.

I’ve had slaves become irritated, annoyed, angry or frustrated with my inability to attend or call or what have you.

I’ve often found that odd. Recently I realized that because the Lifestyle has changed and anything can be defined as slavery- many have no experience with interacting with a person for whom EVERY area of thier life is under the authority and control of another person.

Here’s the reality:

If your friends with a slave she may be called away unexpectedly.

If your friends with a slave- she may not be able to do everything she thinks is a good idea to do.

If you’re friends with a slave she may not call (or show up) at the agreed upon time.

If you’re friends with a slave she may disappear on you unexpectedly.

If your friends with a slave she may change her interests inexplicably.

If you’re friends with a slave you can usually expect that she is not keeping any secrets from her Master (you can ask about this one)

If you’re friends with a slave her eating requirements may change on a dime

If your friends with a slave she/he may have protocols that make no sense to you

Of course all of these things depend on the slave and on the type of dynamic they engage in – so ask. Often slaves who live with their Owners seem to have more restrictions than slaves who live apart (just because they have more time to themselves). When Master and I lived apart I had a lot more girl time than I do now. When He worked at an office many miles away I had more free time. Now my time is at a literally premium.   But also understand that if you have slaves who are friends of yours – they usually aren’t flighty if they have to beg off- they’re just in Service!

In submission and surrender to Him

~slave namaste

 

I AM His Will

A few weeks ago I was talking with one of my BFF’s – she is also a slave and she said to me “Your life sounds horrible to me”

I laughed and said “Thanks” because I knew what she meant.

My life as  Masters slave is quite different than her life as her owners slave.

Master has a HUGE Vision. Our lives are often busy with periods of do-nothing in between. Even during those “do-nothing” period we’re still very busy with the children, the animals, the local groups and the building of our businesses.

My friends life is more still. No travel. No public speaking.

While we both do not work for anyone outside of our Owners- our lives look different.

This is why I often say that any ideal of what slavery looks like will be a 30,000 foot view- a Template at beast. Because the Reality of living as His (or Hers as the case may be) – will be substantially different.

Long ago when I was a little girl I wanted a little house at the foot of a hill. I envisioned myself living right where a forest turned into non-forested land in a small cottage with a twirl of smoke coming from the chimney. This was not so much literal as symbolic of the sort of simple life I desired.

But I AM His Will.

My Owner desired a lifestyle that is sort of a mixture of Movers and Shakers meets Homestead. LOL We have chickens (we had goats), and children and quietude at our house. We rarely entertain at home. We recycle. I engage in food preservation such as canning and dehydration as well as making much of our own products such as detergent and body butters.  We also travel at least once a month, have cause to dress up in ball gowns and tuxedos from time to time, and speak in front of hundreds if not thousands of people a year. Why? Because this is His Vision

And I AM His Will.

When I say “I am His will” What am I saying.  This is a step further than even the alignment of will that I often write and speak about. Like many things it is a process. For me it is the hearing of His will, the understanding of it as much as I can grok at any one time, the beginning to align externally and internally and eventually – the BECOMING. To internalize it so deeply that there is no place within me where you will not find it.  For some things this has been very easy and taken mere moments for other things – due to the complexity of the idea or worldview, or my flexibility (or inflexibility) in that area – it took longer. Either way it is always the goal.

Some slaves have told me that they find the idea of alignment of will to be so HARD. It seemed so extreme and far more challenging than giving mere compliance. I can understand how the idea initially feels that way – especially when most writings concerning Power Exchange seem to promote an internal rebellion with an external appearance of obedience.  For me though – incongruence is the WORST thing. Behaving one way and Feeling another internally is the height of inauthenticity. And while this is often a PART of the process of alignment of will and becoming the will of a Master- it is not the end point. It should be considered a liminal state not the destination. By becoming His will there is not separation no internal conflict between my wants and desires and His wants and desires. There is a simplicity and peacefulness.   I have also found that by becoming His will – I am spending time studying Him deeply. Seeing if there is anyway where I need micro aligning the way a chiropractor manipulates the spine back into alignment.

I Am His Will.

And it is my honor and pleasure to be so.

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

 

Surrender and Grace

surrender woman picture pands

 

 

I believe surrender and grace are inextricably connected.

Often  have heard it spoken of as if they occur simultaneously or if grace brings surrender. I have also heard them used interchangeably as if the are the same.

I believe that order counts and I believe that the act of relinquishing to the Surrendered Life yields a grace that can not be experienced UNTIL you surrender.

By Grace I’m referring both to Favor and beauty of form and movement.

It’s something that goes beyond the technical movement. It is found in the sublime contentment that only comes when you know who you are and where you belong.

It follows the giving up and the ceasing from struggle.

It comes from leaping and not looking back.

It is about timing and fluidity. It can not be rushed and checked off of our to-do lists. It can not be found in our tendency towards intellectualism. It must be lived. Much as bread must be kneaded and then allowed to rise – in trust and a patience that what needs to occur will.

There is a courage that is produced in this state – and this courage brings a stateliness. A sense of nobility.

A Grace.

I can recall a Domina telling Master after He had changed my name, we had been within our dynamic about 2 or 3 years- that she had known be by my other name – and she struggled to see me as the same person.

Not because I looked outwardly different – but because my energy was entirely different.  She called it Regal.

Master recalled it to me and I remember blushing and not really understanding until later what she saw.

This is why I believe in 2 types of surrender. surrender (little s) hat is action specific and Surrender (big S) that is transformative to the blood and bone of the slave.

This is the Surrender that births Grace.

In submission and Surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

 

Understanding Alignment of Will

Today I was responding to a thread on Fetlife (Stop the presses…LOL)  discussing Passive and Active Mastery.

“As a type: I see Passive Mastery as the a style in which the Master is the Facilitator for the slaves development, service, and surrender etc; The dynamic is very slave focused.

As a stage: Passive Mastery also occurs frequently when a dynamic has been in place for a few years and the slave knows the required actions and behaviors to take and does so without involvement by the Master.

As a type: Active Mastery is a style in which the Master is Director of the slaves slaves development, service and surrender. The dynamic is very Master focused.

As a stage: Active Mastery occurs in the beginning of the dynamic when the Master is training the slave as to the appropriate behaviors and actions to take. It also occurs later on in the dynamic when the Master is teaching the slave a new skill, expressing His/or Her preceding Will, or life has offered something for which Passive Mastery is no longer effective.”

 

I look forward to writing more about Active and Passive Mastery later (It’s not a question of good or bad, just different styles and different stages). What really jumped out at me this morning was the idea of the “preceding” word.

Most who know us know that our dynamic is based upon what Master has coined as “Alignment of Will”. My will must align with His.  It is not good enough for me to merely obey, and to give the external “Yes Sir”. I must have the internal alignment – the internal “Yes Sir”- as well. The internal “Yes” can not be faked. It can not be “acted”-  it’s either there or not. And Masters can TELL when it’s not.  It’s why the slave can seem to be compliant and obedient and the Master still be irritated. It’s why outsiders shouldn’t judge and step into a persons relationship- because you really don’t know what He/She is trying to teach that slave or where they are going in their dynamic.

While we’ll be talking about the stages of the M/s dynamic more deeply in an upcoming class- I’m thinking a bit on how alignment of will and the “preceding word” work in our M/s dynamic.  Master is a very complex Man. He’s not a creature of Habit, unless He is. He doesn’t want anything the same way all the time – unless He does.  The worse thing possible for me to do would be to confuse learned obedience and resignation to a current directive with alignment of will. Why? Because then when He changes direction – I’ll struggle MORE because my will was not aligned in the first place.

The idea of the Preceding Word comes from a Sacred Text.

And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live.” Deut. 8:3

The idea being that the Divine allowed man to be hungry so that we would be given food from the Divine directly- growing to understand that it’s not really about the food- it’s about the word that is preceding.  It is only THAT which truly feeds.

You can have bread without the Preceding Word – but if you have the preceding word you will ALWAYS have bread.

In the same way you can have Obedience without Alignment of Will – but if you have Alignment of will you will always have Obedience as well.

Frequently it’s easy to confuse the two.  Alignment of Will and Obedience can look the same. In fact I’m not suggesting that the words themselves have completely different meaning. I see Alignment of Will as a way of going through the world and obedience is an action taken. HOWEVER, if the obedient action is not take from the place of alignment of will – when the Master changes direction the slave does not follow – she stumbles, sometimes she sits on the floor and has a tantrum.

Alignment of Will is ongoing- NOT situational.

That is often where the pedal meets the metal. With the Preceding Word.  This is where the slavery becomes active. This is why as a slave I can not rest on my laurels. This is why I am never “done” – this is why the journey IS the destination. It is mine to always be prepared and listening for the Preceding word that comes my Masters mouth. To never simply seek the bread (directive, protocol, or service)  that feeds me and my slavery TODAY but to stay actively connected to the SOURCE of  tangible expressions – which is HIM.

The Bread  without Him would eventually get dry, but He is water, alive and fresh and pure. May my ears always attend to His preceding word.

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

Deep Listening for Surrender

I love my meanderings because they often lead me to wonderful and diverse concepts.

Especially my meanderings into cultural distinction and diversity.

Recently I cam across the concept of “Dadirri”  – this is similar to what we call contemplation but MORE.

Within the indigenous peoples of Australia- Dadirri is how the young learn – not through the asking of questions – but through the practice of a deep listening. By watching, waiting – then acting.

When I consider this idea- I find a huge resonance for me as a slave- in part because listening as a skill set has become so precious and scarce.

Within the “lifestyle community” there is a lot more talking and action than there is stillness, watchfulness – listening.

It’s almost as if we have learned to fear silence.

This space shows up often within the realm of slavery – where the focus is often  far more on hugely vocal advocacy for self than on our listening to our inner longings and desires, waiting for the the answers to be offered to us knowing that we need not rush into something, rush into anything – but we can sit… in contemplation. Listening to the sounds of our hearts, paying attention to the longing of our souls, understanding the disappointments and pains that are echoing through our psyche rather than seeking a “quick fix”

When I ask myself how can I embody more Dadirri in my life and slavery- listening closely for my Masters voice and His non-verbal communication.

Never taking a moment, a whisper, and look for granted – but attuning the whole of my being to His essence and expression.

Opening to all that of Himself that He gives me with a look. Allowing my heart to melt as I spend my days in surrender to Him.

Being in wait – without hurry to move into the next thing. But in a calm present place of awareness, thankfulness and joy.

This moment is Sacred.

Dadirri means there is no rushing into the next thing. Where ever I am is exactly where I need to be. I don’t have a box to check off – a magical state  to attain.

No.

I need to be right where I am – because every step along this journey is valuable. Every step is both journey and destination.

I allow surrender to drag me under -not fighting the waves but yielding to them.

I listen – not only for content and information but for emotion and connection.

Life is present in the nuance of the conversation.

Conversation present in the breaths between the words.

I allow the silence and the cracking open to pull me deeper, to immerse me in the surrender to the now.

Timeless – I listen for eternity present in this instant.

I feel the fulness of being present in being His.

In submission and surrender to Him,

slave namaste

Devotion, Spirituality and slavery

I’ve been thinking lately about what I want to write.

Today it came to me.

I want my blog posts to focus on Spirituality and Surrender.

Master and I were having a conversation today and I shared with him.

I do not understand slavery without devotion.

Devotion has become a dirty word.

I realized that I stopped writing because I felt my voice wasn’t relevant anymore.

In today’s community where the only focus on slavery seems to be on negotiation, abuse, predators, sex and the like.

Where is the room for devotion, surrender, connecting to the desires that brought us here in the first place?

And when I deeply consider that  – what brought me here- was my Longing and Desire to surrender, to experience the Will of another actualized in my life and to live devoted to it.

What kept me here was my connection to Spirit.

I can not deny that slavery for me is a deeply Spiritual practice.

I am His devotee and His acolyte.

I am the Priestess and He is the God – or perhaps I become the layperson and He is my Priest.

I am wood consumed in His flames.

I am flame and He is oxygen.

The levels and variations of our entanglement know no limit.

And without my Spirituality- this would not be possible.

Not on this level.

It was my deep inner knowing that not only was I called to be *a* slave but that more specifically I was meant to belong to HIM that kept me when I was confused and things got sticky.

It is the spiritual connection that exceeds the physical and sexual (as delicious as those are).

Devotion.

Affection and dedication.

Not simply lust and obligation. But a spiritual SEEING and KNOWING. At times I feel the Divine loving me through Him and then again the Divine loves Him through me.

What a sacred charge.

What profound exchange.

More on this later…

Scarcity, Dinosaurs and Why we shouldn’t be so butthurt

Master and I discuss abundance a great deal. As Abundance and Prosperity inspirers and practitioners – it’s a huge part of where we live and what we do.

But encouraging an Abundance mentality isn’t all about money as most think. When someone has a lack based word view those limiting beliefs infect many areas of their lives.

Don’t get me wrong- many of us have a lack-based mentality and with good reason- we’ve been hurt, or ill-treated. We’ve not had what we wanted, or even needed at one time. In other words- we experienced LACK and it informed on how we view the world and our place in it.  I don’t deny this- I’ve been there.   And while we may not be able to have control over what we did experience – we can choose whether we want to continue to internalize that experience as a way that we ARE moving forward.

I believe in our Lifestyle (and in this I am speaking both about the Leather branch and the BDSM branch) we have internalized a lack based worldview that is stunting our growth as a culture as well as individually.  This lack based worldview perceives division where there is none and competition around every corner. It sees the Lifestyle from a space of scarcity and persecution that perceives any action that is not all of us together as promoting defiance, isolation and exclusion.   This leads to a position of need to huddle and hide in caves in order to stay safe –and yes in some ways it does provide safety- but it does not allow for growth, expression, actualization and evolution. This is dangerous, just ask the dinosaurs…

Lack of evolution eventually creates extinction.

In the last few months I become more and more aware of this lack based mindset and the ways it is expressed within our alternative culture. I have also become aware of ways that it is propagated, the incorrect premises behind it and the imperative that we have to think again. To re-think how we are viewing the world and our place in it.  By no means do I believe I have all of the answers, or that this is a “new” thing just because I recently became aware of it.  More than anything else – this gives me an opportunity to share my thoughts and reflection with those who might find them helpful.

Distinction does not mean Division – one of the places that I see this scarcity mentality is in the belief that we have too many groups.  We hear this a great deal – that we should all be together and there should not be a need for any separation – in fact that by having differing groups that celebrate ones own sexual orientation, gender, power exchange identity etc; we are creating division.  I would like to suggest this is not true.  Giving each sub-set the space to celebrate their uniqueness among those that share that orientation and identity creates more Unity In a number of ways:

  1. You don’t have to hide or ignore certain elements in an attempt to not make others feels excluded.
  2.  You can actually enjoy when we all are together because it’s a choice.
  3. The challenges of your particular identity can be discussed, supported and even commiserated with without your needing to constantly offer disclaimers.

There is space for this and this is a natural part of what occurs as any group grows.  Differences happen.

We’ve always had X – why do we now need Z – We now have more than one contest that focuses on Power Exchange Relationship dynamics.  I can recall years ago some asking why we needed the LAHM and the Carter Johnson Library.  People ask we have so many projects right now focusing on History.  The short answer is Diversity is HEALTHY. And ensures the continuance of a thing. All we need to do is look at the Potato Famine to see the danger of a mono-culture.  We as an alternative culture are greatly influenced by the society in which we live. Often in unexamined and unconscious ways.

A monoculture within horticulture is a single crop or species cultivated over a number of years. Monoculture is dangerous because it weakens the strength not only of the species but of those that are dependent on the species. It makes that species incredibly vulnerable to opportunistic predators and diseases. Those dependent upon that species can be destroyed by one bad storm.

Within our Alternative culture this idea – of  one contest, one Library one of anything- while well meaning is a bit short sighted.  It presumes that the way something is -is the way it will always be. In mainstream society there are churches on every corner, there’s 2 star bucks on every block. There are multiple OPTIONS. This is good. This ensures that if something goes wrong with one- we don’t lose all. There is room and space for more than one of each thing with our culture- and you don’t have to ONLY support 1 thing.

Which leads to my next point

Competition is based on a lack mentality. We own our own business.  I have had a number of mentors over the years and one of the things that I’ve been taught is not to consider those doing the same thing as I am doing as my competitor. I found this very challenging initially – but upon reflection it makes sense.  When I really began to open myself up to this idea, what was dropped into my spirit was “instead of competitors consider them kin” There are many, many people in the world. Last I checked just on Feltife (and everyone is not on Fetlife) there are over 3 million people. 3 Million.  With more joining daily. It is impossible for any one person, group, organization to serve ALL of them.

There is no REAL competition in the lifestyle except for the competition each individual decides to create within their own mind.  In other words competition is a perception – not a reality.  This means that you can support more than one company. More than one group. There can be 5 groups meeting on the same night and people can choose to attend the one that has the most resonance. This doesn’t have to cause anyone to get offended or – as my children say – butthurt-  about it. Your group will undoubtedly attract those who have the most resonance with it-  and all will be well.  This also means- that if we get out of the competitive mindset we can cease feeling the need to validate whatever we’re doing by assassinating the character of others.  You don’t have to VALIDATE your desire to hang your shingle or do your thing – you can do it ethically, kindly, and in a spirit of unity instead of competition.

It is my hope that we can truly begin to enjoy the abundance and diversity within this culture- thereby growing and thriving – both as a community and as individuals.

Judgment and Power Exchange

This is a full body of work I’m doing – but I wanted to write this here – predominantly because Judgement is such a huge issue. And mostly because most of us just throw our hands in the air and say “Well everyone Judges!!” even though we know inside we shouldn’t, it feels like something we’re helpless to fix.

It feels like something that makes you or me a bad person.

Which is how most things on judging handle it. In judging your judgement.

Seems a bit circular don’t you think?

I’m not here to judge your judging. I’m here to offer an alternative. One that I hope will aid in the building and sustaining of your dynamic.

Practicing judgement can be one of the most dangerous and deadly actions we can do to relationships.

Why?

When we judge ourselves- we cease to accept ourselves. Acceptance is more important to mental and emotional health than self esteem.  Acceptance is the most precious gift you can give to your precious self. And yet so often we judge our most authentic expressions of self. The facets of ourselves that do not go along with the status quo. Those parts that are the minority and therefore more marginalized. Those parts that make us profoundly unique – we judge. .

When we judge our Masters we cease to accept Them. We deny them Autonomy and Agency. We become condescending and paternalistic, or judge and jury usually without many facts. We consider ourselves wise, cautious,  or  “taking a stand” as we judge those who we have entrusted with Authority and Power over us.

Here’s the thing. We don’t HAVE to judge. Not ourselves. Not our Masters.

But first a story. A few months back Master and I were hosting an event for a group of people in a subculture that we are not a part of. We had put in place a “do not” that from our perspective made good sense and from the perspective of this group – would limit their expression and adversely impact their fun. One of the leaders contacted me and said “Instead of a no – perhaps you can ask how this can happen”  – This made me stop and think. I had made a judgement, based upon my information and instead of staying curious, asking more questions,  and understanding there may be more to this than I realized – I said no.

I ASSUMED instead of asking.

How does this apply to Power Exchange dynamics?

When we stop asking questions – we start killing our dynamic.

When Judging increases – Love decreases. 

Even if your Power exchange dynamic does not include being “in love” – the love that is needful for the dynamic to exist and fulfill – love of the dynamic, love of your identity in it etc; whatever type of love is there- it decreases under the judgement.

Many of us wonder what to do in place of judging – after all you’re not an automaton and you experience things. If you’re not going to judge what can you do?

Not judging do not mean NOT SEEING.

We have other options and specifically as a slave interacting with her Master – these other options become extremely important.

  • Observe – An observation is a statement of fact, of what is so. An observation uses neutral language to avoid the pejorative, and to refrain giving it any meaning. It says nothing about whether you and/or your action are effective or ineffective; good or bad; right or wrong.
  • Assess – An assessment goes further. It does assess whether your action is effective, or ineffective, in reaching the desired goal. Yet an assessment also refrains from moral judgement. It also avoids good or bad, right and wrong.
  • Judge – A judgment goes on to add meaning; good or bad, right or wrong. Yet different things have different meanings for different people.

As you can see above- we have two other options – two important options that actually build the dynamic instead of tearing it down. You can  observe and you can assess. Both of these put you and your Owner on the same team, whereas judgement places your Owner UNDER your judgement and places you OVER Him/Her as the morality,good,bad police.

This change done repeatedly eventually erodes at the Power Exchange Dynamic.

How do we get out of Judgement? Curiosity and Appreciation. 

Curiosity says I’m interested in you. It provides space around  the issue – this interjection of space allows for more than simple right and wrong. It allows for the dynamic expression of who the Master is.  Curiosity is the door to Acceptance.

Appreciation- Appreciation is about expressing Value to your Owner for who He/She is and what He/She does. This keeps your from going too far on the Judgement train where you end up making value judgements to the negative. It very difficult to Judge and appreciate – although you can observe and assess and still appreciate.

There is a lot to this and this is by no means exhaustive. It’s a just snippet from something I’m working on.

 

 

Of sexual orientation, being feminine, and a Leather slave

I writing about this because it’s been something I’ve had some thoughts around for a good long while now. I make no claims that these things are well organized – in fact they may not be – but they are a reflection of the connective ways that my mind works and some troubling trends I’m noticing in our Beloved Confederacy.

Before I get too far afield here- and get potentially kicked in the face by all the knee jerky responses – I realize that some people come into this and simply have never really had an opportunity to develop the self acceptance that will allow for the expression of their core sexual identity and or orientation. For these people this is where they can truly be who they are.  I’m not speaking about those people.

 

When I first came into the Lifestyle I came in through the “branch” of BDSM – not Leather. Coming through this branch I felt very comfortable being feminine and even saw that it was appreciated and embraced. i met many other feminine slaves who loved being women, sensual and feminine.

 

When I began to identify as Leather – one of the first things I noticed was that in the spheres that I had closest access too – I didn’t see many women like me. I didn’t meet many women who were predominantly hetero-sexual (or flexible) who identified as Leather, slave and as Feminine. In fact in recent years I’ve noticed a somewhat troubling trend in that I observe women coming into leather as feminine and gradually over time becoming bois and asexual – at least in their projected persona.

Something else that I’ve noticed is Het men and women who have been in the lifestyle for long periods of time suddenly changing their sexual orientation within typically 1-2 years of identifying as Leather.  I have a few ideas concerning why this is occurring outside of the reason above.

  1. One reason this may occur is because “true” Leather has been subtly defined by some as Gay Leather – many people who are heterosexual see the best way to be leather, the ONLY “real” way to be leather of any worth is to be GLBT.
  2. Others feel that the best way to be an ally to their GLBT brothers and sisters is beginning to identify as GLBT.  (Although even being bi is no longer enough for women. Bi sexual women are feeling more and more the push to orient as queer as being the more PC thing to do to “reject the oppression of the gender binary” )

While I’m speaking in generalities here – I know that there are more than a few who have found themselves in those groups.

But I want to speak more specifically to being a feminine Leather woman.  Specifically a Leather slave who is also a woman. A very feminine woman. And while I suppose that being a het oriented feminine Leather slave is a bit of a niche- it’s one that I see a number of women walking into and a number of bois and/or de-feminized women walking out of.

I’m sure at this point some will point to Leather girls- and say “what about the Leather girls, they’re feminine” to which I would say – what does it mean when the only option for being feminine, s-type and Leather is to be a girl? All Leather women who are s-types aren’t girls. When we pretend as if they all “could” be, or it’s all the same thing – we dilute and diminish the potency and actualization of that identity.

 

There are traits that are part of being a feminine slave. The way I walk, the way I dress, the facets and aspect of my being that are a delight and of value to my Owner. The places in my self that I cultivate. These all have to do with my being feminine.

I have no desire to diminish or deny these things. Nor do I believe that being Leather requires such.

 

My accentuating and celebrating these facets of who I am is in no way to diminish those who are not as I am. I celebrate any and everyone that has found the joy of self acceptance regardless of what it looks like. This is frankly not about anyone else- it’s about my ability to self express what is true and reflective of me.

 

I have spoken to many feminine slaves who do not identify as Leather – not because they do not feel an affinity for it- but because they do not want to have to masculinize or asexualize themselves. Usually they feel that to even ask the question would cause them  public ridicule.  While I am not the ONLY feminine Leather (mostly het) slave- I will say that we are becoming a rare breed. More and more I see hetero female slaves gaining their Leather “wings” by denouncing their being feminine.

 

I want to encourage those women that you can be Feminine and be Leather. They are NOT mutually exclusive. Being a Feminine Leather slave is a valid identity.

Self Identity is the most important thing. For me that means my identity is about my understanding of and authenticity to my SELF – it’s not about being worried about how others perceive me, accept me, or how they decide I should be.

Sometimes I think that we need to be careful regardless of how we orient and what identity we choose- that we are choosing our identity and orientation based upon our fulfillment and our joy and pleasure- not our pain and fear of non-acceptance.

For instance:

There is a difference between being understated when I go into a Gay Leather Bar as a point of respect and consideration – and detaching myself from my femininity within my Leather identity so that I can be considered “real” by others.

There is a difference in feeling like being a boi, girl, poodle etc; is a reflection of my most authentic self – and choosing those identities because they give me a place to hide my insecurities and self rejection. Am I being true to myself by masculinizing my appearance or am I perhaps coving up my lack of body acceptance with clothing that allows me to hide? Only each person can truly know.

I suppose ultimately the questions we all have to ask are:  Am I using my involvement in this lifestyle as a crutch for all of the myriad of pain, dysfunction and  self loathing I feel – or is this truly the place where I am able to be MOST me.

Is this where I show myself truly or is this the most ideal of masquerades where I’m able to constantly change masks.

 

Food for thought.

 

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

Posted with Permission and Direction of Master Obsidian